Thankfulness

Another year has gone by, and I wanted to take a minute to say what I am thankful for. In looking at my list of posts from the past, I see that I have done a post like this for three years, making this my fourth. So I have to say that I am thankful for all of you who read my blogs, share your thoughts with me, and have become my friends.

I don't want to get too sentimental, but I can't believe I have made so many good friends through this blog. There are people I rely on for a device, people are I miss when they are away, and people whose approval makes me happy. I have friends I flirt with, hit on, cyber with, argue with, and lately, shed tears with through this miracle we call the Internet.

I am thankful for good advice. I am thankful for bad advice sincerely given. I am grateful for readers who stand up for what they believe even though I disagree. I'm am thankful for the heartfelt emotions, stories, and moments of your life that you have shared with me, for I have learned a great deal this past year and have found great strengths in your presence in my life.

I am thankful for technology that has brought us together. I am thankful for scientists, technicians, visionaries, and billing clerks that bring me the Internet at home and at work. I am thankful for Microsoft, Google, Firefox, the New York Times, porn hub, red tube, whoever invented tumblers, blogger.com, ergonomic mice that have saved my wrists, the good folks at Dragon Naturally Speaking who gave me voice recognition software and helped me avoid surgery, and all of the other men and women both real and virtual, that make my life an amazing place to be.

I am thankful for my family, for a wife that loves me in her very unique way, and for her patience with me as a husband, lover, father, sinner and saint. I am thankful for my wonderful children, their sweet spirits their sense of humor, the energy they bring to our house, the love they help me feel when they hold me tight at the end of the day. I love my son's laugh, my daughter's smile, my oldest girl's independence, and her "screw the world, all I'm going to be myself" attitude.

I am thankful for my faith, for my friends at church and at work and on the web. I am thankful for good schools in my neighborhood and the teachers and the members of the PTA who make it that way. I am thankful for honest politicians when I can find them, and for sincere public servants everywhere. America is a noisy, messy, and chaotic nation, but I love it and I love those who sincerely try to make it better on both sides of the aisle.

I am thankful for my job and for my paycheck.  When so many are struggling I am doing okay, and I'm deeply grateful. I am thankful that I have enough left over at the end of the day that I can share some of my good fortune with others. I am thankful for the Goodwill, Salvation Army, for men and women who reach out to those in need and help them where I cannot. I am thankful that they spend my money wisely in helping those who struggle.

Advizor54 - 2009

....it's been tense....(3)

So, I didn't have intercourse, I didnt' have oral sex.... so what is left.....

But, before I get to that.....

If confession really is good for the soul, is it also good for the relationship?  I've said here, and on other blogs, that I believe that confessing to my indiscretions was a horrible miscalculation in my marriage, a huge mistake.  They were over 5 years ago, were relatively minor on the sexual scale, and all of the women involved are gone from my life.  And by gone, I mean gone, 2 moved out of state, one I can't find, and one is still in my home town but in a relationship that precludes her from doing anything either in pursuit of me, or in retribution.  Plus, I haven't talked to the two most important women since we were last together, 12 years for one, 5 years for the other.  They are over, done, and except for a few of WONDERFUL on-line friendships, I've been a very good boy.

I no longer believe that confession to a spouse is a good idea if the relationships are over.  By over, I mean done for a long time.  If there are current relationships outside the marriage that need to be dealt with, maybe that becomes part of the discussion.  For me, my continued attraction to porn is an issue because it is a current problem between us, a catalyst to issues now.  The fact that I fell in love with another woman 12 year ago isn't an issue today.  I learned my lesson, looked in to that abyss, and moved on.  (How's that for justification, eh?)

I also imagine that if there is a possibility of kids from another relationship, or of a disease, or if I was going to run for political office, that might be a bigger deal.  I still think of that, as an ex-political junkie, I wonder about running for office and having something come out about my relationships.  I can imagine the press conference now....

Press - Have you ever had sex outside your marriage.

Me - No, I did not have sex with that woman.

Press - OK Bill, now give us a straight answer.

Me - I have never had sexual intercourse, or oral sex with anyone but my wife since I got married.

Press - Then what is she so pissed about?

Me - Well, I fell in love with D and A while still married.

Press - What happened?

Me - Well, with D, I gave her the finger on a number of occasions and made her cum until she cried.

Press - Can you tell us more?

Me - I can tell you that she liked it when I fingered her at work, and that I was over at her house and she wore these cute little shorts, and, well, two holes, 5 fingers, you can do the math.

Press - (now sweating and giggling) - What happened with A?

Me - wistfully - I fell in love with A in a big way.  Long tender back-rubs in her office, hours of talking, a visit or two to her house, but never an orgasm between us.  It was just love, and that was the closest I got to leaving my wife.

Press - So all of this is over poking your finger in some girls' butt and falling in love with a hot chick from work?

Me - Yea, plus, I used to jerk off for a friend of mine.  She never let me touch her, really, but she liked watching me especially while we were driving.  Once I swam naked in her pool and occasionally she'd masturbate for me while I was on the phone.  I've blogged about it, so I'm not going to repeat it here.

Press - What else happened?

Me - Well, I dry humped T's back while I was helping her move a TV, and she offered me a blow job, but I had already shot my wad and wasn't in the mood anymore.  Oh yea, and she got naked for me, but nothing happened.

Press - This seems like a whole lot of pain over nothing.

Me - That's what I think, but try telling that to my wife.  She's pissed that I look at boobies on the computer, imagine the images she'd have in her head if I told her that I had a hottie on our marriage bed with my finger up her cunt as she moaned and gasped and drenched my hand with her lady juice.

Press - (now groping each other) - Can you tell us more, we are almost finished.....

Me - The only other thing is that for 2 years I wanted to kill myself or leave the marriage so I was in strip clubs on a number of occasions, maybe 10 times total, but man-oh-man were the orgasms good.

(Someone in the back of the press room cries out and cums, setting off a chain reaction of moans and whimpers)

Press - Does anyone have a cigarette?

...its been tense..... (2)

Sunday....


On Sunday we got to see a marriage counselor through our church.  I know a lot of you don't give much credit to religion, faith, or well-meaning pastors, but my faith and my beliefs are important to me, and very important to my wife, and the counseling is free, so we went.  It was good that we went.  I held her hand, she cried, she told me she didn't trust me, that every time I went on a trip she worried about me, that she was afraid I was getting back in to porn, that I was going to cheat, that she was putting our family at risk.


It breaks my heart and yet the inner-bastard in me tries to minimize, justify, avoid, deflect all of her pain with complaints about distance, her rules, her hang-ups, her judgments, her issues.....  I try to blame things on her, not to excuse my actions but to explain them.  I promised to be faithful to her and was not, I told her I'd avoid porn and did not, I caused her pain and doubt and uncertainty and no matter what the cause, what the reason, what my justifications may be, I caused the woman I love a great deal of pain, and anguish of soul.


We had a 20 minute appointment and stayed for an hour and a half.  In the end we were smiling a bit, our counselor asked her to to find a place, a little niche for some hope, for happiness, and to give it time to blossom as we worked together.  I do not want a divorce, I love her, and it's impossible to catch it all in one blog posting, I think we have a lot to deal with, but a lot of optimism.


After we got home, the kids were starving so I sent me oldest into the kitchen to make peanut butter sandwiches and carrot sticks.  We went to the bedroom and talked for another hour.  We finally got around to why she didn't want oral sex the night before, and why that has been a real hot and cold issue for her since she found out that I had strayed from our marriage.


When I first confessed to cheating on her, I as very clear, and very honest, that I had never had intercourse with any of the women I was with, it was true, and she believed me, but she never wanted to hear the details of what happened.  Turns out that she assumed that I was getting, and giving, oral sex in these relationships as a substitute for sex. Yesterday, she cracked open the door a bit and I was able to tell her some more of the story.

The 'funny' thing is that my cheating was really mild sexually, but since she has wrapped it up in so much emotional and hysterical baggage, we've never been able to get to the truth of what actually happened, so it inflates and explodes in her mind into the worst case scenarios she can makes up.


I told her that I never got, or gave, oral sex.  Which begs the question she still didn't want to ask, "What's left?"

it's been tense.....

It was my anniversary this weekend.  On Saturday night we went out for sushi (all you can eat for an hour for $25) and then went to a ballroom dance performance.  The sushi was delicious, the show was fun, and cheesy, and took itself way to seriously, but the dancers were beautiful, dressed in wonderfully revealing but "safe" gowns, and the men were slim and talented and made the most of the evening.

We got home, had a wonderful desert from our favorite restaurant and then crawled in to bed.  We haven't had the time or energy for sex in the past couple of weeks, and combine that with the fact that my libido has been missing in action it was the first time we had been naked together in over three weeks.

I love my wife's body.  After three kids and lots of trauma she still arouses and excites me.  We both love kissing so we let things build.  We stopped and talked, I made her laugh until she almost cried, and then we finally let the mood get serious...  Lots of kissing, and then I moved down her frame, kissing her neck, her clavicles, her shoulders, her arms, I was in heaven and getting harder by the minute.  "Touch Me" I whispered and her hands came to my body.  I took her nipple in my mouth and she sighed just a little, then down her ribs across her belly button and back up the other side.

I straddled her and pressed her legs together, enveloping her upper body with mine, holding her head in my hands, supporting her neck, moving upwards, kissing, touching, being touched, offering my cock to her....

She said 'No, I'm not in the mood for that tonight.'    WTF?

Internally, I'm just pissed, another hang-up, another control game, another 'I'm pissed at you so I'm shutting down' moment.   Externally, I'm sick of fighting so I play the good husband and just keep kissing and reach down to grab her vibrator.  But, in the 10 seconds I takes me to reposition myself my erection is gone, and I know it's gone, really gone, and even as I bring her off with our favorite toy, I know I'm done.  I'm pissed, I'm hurt (ok, wimpy me), I'm angry.  But I smile, I laugh, I tell her that we can go to sleep and that tonight it can be all about her.

Part of me wants to end this post there, when I'm pissed with another mood swing rejection, another new set of mystery rules and mind-reading games.   I haven't had a decent erection in days and she wastes the one I had, aaaargh.  I was so frustrated.....

But, but, but, but......

Badly named TMI-Tuesday

I lost my virginity at 18, in the back of a car, on prom night. Where and when did you lose yours?

• On my wedding night, when I was 28 years old, it was wonderful. She had a beautiful wedding gown with a million buttons down the back and it took forever to take it off, we were laughing the whole time. I finally got her undressed and we kissed and smiled for the longest time. When I finally entered her for the first time it was heaven, truly. I was madly in love with her and as happy as I had ever been.

• I slipped in and started pumping and came after only 3-4 strokes, luckily, she came after just 2. It was one of the most powerful, spontaneous, genuine orgasms she had ever had in her life, and it was perfect because it was our first as husband and wife.

I think my ass is my best sexual feature. What is yours?

• I have great legs and a toned ass, and good arms, but I weigh about 15 pounds too much and so my belly-pooch is a distraction.

A recurring theme in my fantasies is being slammed up against the wall. Do you have a recurring fantasy or a theme to your fantasies?

• All summer long I fantasized about my wife having her friends over for a summer lunch in the back yard. Once the realize that our yard is completely private, clothes start to drop off and they start laying out naked in the sun. I arrive home early from work to find 5 beautiful women sunbathing, kissing, and masturbating in the summer sun of my back yard. Eventually Cindy takes me by the hand and asks me to make love to her, and I do as my wife and friends watch. Every time I go into my back yard I smile at the thought.

I love watching guys masturbate. Do you enjoy watching others (a partner or a stranger) masturbate?

• I love, love, love, love watching my wife masturbate. It really is one of my most sexual moments. It’s also my favorite genre of Porn when it’s done well, meaning that it looks real, but few things are worse than overly faked screaming orgasms.

I hate when guys are quiet in bed. I like to hear you moaning as you cum. Do you like you partners quiet? Are you quiet?

• This is one of the big disconnects between me and my wife. I like noise, feedback, guidance, instructions, orders, suggestions, ideas, and I like them all out loud. She thinks it makes sex too aggressive, bossy, and lewd. She is way too quiet for my tastes, and she is always Shhhing me. Now granted, with 2 kids just one wall away, we can’t be too loud, but a little moan now and then never hurt.

I love playing with nipples. Do you having your nipples played with?

• LOVE IT. One of my favorite positions? Missionary with my upper body lifted high on my arms while she plays with my nipples, few things push me over the edge faster.

My ‘number’ is between 15 and 25. What is your 'number'?

• My number is 1, when it comes to intercourse
• 6 if you count oral
• 15+ if you can fingering to orgasm
• And who keeps track of dry-humping once you get out of high school….

Put me in a box, put me in a cardboard box.

We all put each other in boxes, friend, lover, spouse, coworker, stranger. Sometimes we can fit into one more than one box for one person, a coworker who is also a lover, a stranger with the potential for being a friend, and a spouse is frequently a stranger even when in bed. We define each other; we define the people in our lives to make it simple to keep track of everyone.

I have friends in real life, and I have friends in my cyber life, and most days I pray that the two will never meet. I have friends that will never be lovers, I have had lovers who were never friends.

So what do we do when we need to change definition us, when we need to put someone from box “A” to box “B”?

A friend of mine has recently reentered my life. She started out as a cyber friend and seemed to be on the way to becoming a real friend, except that reality intruded in the form of my wedding ring, and we had to put a stop to things. Within a day or two we had redefined each other as ex-friends, for lack of a better word, and our interactions stopped.

I missed her a great deal. I missed the way she made me laugh, the way she made me smile, the beautiful pictures she shared, and the insights into her life that elicited some deep thinking on my side, and made my life richer because of it.

Now, we are attempting to be friends again. Certain realities have not changed however, and so we must learn to redefine our friendship, perhaps in a more clear thinking and internally honest way, so that we can remain friends after the first time we make each other, you know, "finish".  J 

I have had to admit, that this is now very much a real-world relationship, and as I say that, I have realized that a lot of my cyber friends have moved well beyond that first definition and I now consider them real friends who I just have not met yet.

My challenge is to think about her in a different way, though the "old way" is still a powerful attraction. I want to have her in two categories, one is as a friend, with whom I can talk and joke, and laugh, and the other is as a lover with whom I share intimate moments, secrets, and emotions that are connected in strange ways to our hearts and loins. But, if I am forced to choose, what will I do?

Another friend has put herself in the box, because every time we talk, she reminds me that she is a "good girl." I asked her today why she always used that phrase when she talked to me, and she claimed it was because it felt like I was always trying to seduce her. I joked that it might be true, but that I wasn't trying too hard because she didn't want to be seduced.

She defines herself as the “good girl”; I play the role of the “bad boy” who flirts and teases and at least makes the attempt to get her in my cyber bed, but at the same time I accept her definition, because I believe that it is mostly true. She is a good girl, and I don't want to change that.

So I allow her to define me as a harmless flirt, the safe friend who tells her that she's got a terrific ass, while at the same time not trying to touch, lick it, or poke it. I accept this definition because I want to keep her in the role as friend, and pushing her out of her “good girl” box would probably disrupt that friendship.

With another friend I am Sir (with a capital S), and she is my girl who kneels before me, willingly. But, even then, I am only Sir (with a capital S), when she is in the mood, and that is okay too.  Our definitions of each other change with every chat. Today I was the pursuer and she was the prize, other times she is my service provider and I am be willing recipient of her naughty words and her cyber-touch.

At-home I am in the spouse, lover, father, friend, son-in-law, brother, sinner, and saint. At work I am an editor, a critic, a consultant, and a worker bee. We define and box each other up in so many different ways that it sometimes makes it difficult to keep track.

Many bloggers have a "cast of characters" list on the sidebar so that we can keep their friends, family, and lovers straight.  Perhaps I need one as well, but for myself, to remind myself what I am to all of the different people in my life.

It would be unfortunate if I got my roles confused. I do not think that my boss wants to hear me say, "I'm going to walk into your office, take you by the hair, force you to your knees, and rip open your blouse." And on the other hand, none of my friends want to hear, "The auditors have found operational deficiencies in three of the nine processes and require additional sample testing concerning our security matrix.”  It's just not that sexy

If you were here...

Another poem for my new line of greeting cards....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you were here...

I'd take you by the hand
And pull you out of bed
Take you to our brand new couch
Keel, and give you head

I'd kiss your thighs and lick your skin
And go down deep between
And when you start to moan and twitch
I'd lick your vulva clean

I'd cover you in blankets
I'd pull out the duvet
I'd cover with spunk and stuff
To prove that I'm not gay

If you were hear I wouldn't need
The Internet or lube
I'd wake you up, take your hand
And shoot you for Redtube

I miss you something awful
You are the one for me
And you call tell, at 5 AM
I'm really quite, Horny


_____________
Thinking of you

Pictures for Tuesday.

I don't know why some of my links work, and others don't, but here are a few for a Tuesday.

I've always wanted to date a gymnast or yoga instructor, for just this position.

Strange as it may seem, I'd rather see this from the front.

Years ago, a friend flashed me on purpose.  I've never forgotten her.

I love clean white sheets

I love outdoor pics

Mom!  Look what I found!

This is incredibly sexy, because she might be at my gym...


One of my favorite new tumblrs.




I really need to learn how to "re-post" to give some wonderful web-sites the proper credit, but these are a few of my favorites from Monday, and since work has been blocking out 90% erotic thoughts and all of my time for wandering through the web, this is all I have for you today. 

Links for a Saturday

I love this bra...

and this pose....

all women look better by firelight...

this picture is surprisingly powerful to me, and I'm not sure why...

and wow....

I don't like the 'claw' pose for his right hand, but this seems like the first picture in a wonderful D/s story.

A love poem (of sorts) for a friend....

With my apologies to Dr. Suess and every other poet who ever lived for giving poetry such a bad name. I wrote this as an e-mail to a friend and just couldn't resist sharing this classic with the world......

Do you think Hallmark will pick it up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you're fine
I think you're sweet
I bet you are a tasty treat

I'd kiss your legs
and lick your thighs
And stare in to your lovely eyes

I'd bend you over,
Make you scream
As if in some erotic dream

I'd spread your legs
And lick your cunt
(If you don't mind me being blunt)

I'd bite your neck
And kiss your ass
Just to prove that I've got class

I'd oil you up
And rub you down
And kiss the sphinter that is brown

I'd slurp the lips
That are so pink
Get down below and take a drink

I'd make you cum
And never fail
But I'd trade it all for one e-mail

She eggs me on......

We chat, she teases, she obeys, she is wonderful.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sir:

i can feel a mood creeping over me....

Miss:

zat so?

Sir:

that's so....how crowded is your office today?

Miss:

unfortunately... very

Sir:

rrrrgh, i want to take a strong hand with you......make you do things for me, to me, with me....

Miss:

mmmmm... tomorrow? should be quieter

Sir:

i hope so, i want to get pictures, to have you touch, to have you play........

Miss:

yes.. me too

Sir:

i want you to get wet, i want you to be hungry, needy, subservient, obedient....,i want you.

Miss:

you know that I am yours, Sir

Sir:

i want you to serve me, to make me hard, to take my shiny drops as they ooze out of my tip, I’m getting that feeling, where I want to be master to your miss, sir to your servant.

Miss:

you want to roar?

Sir:

i want to roar as I take you, as you present your hindquarters to me, and I let out the animal

Miss:

I like your animal....

Sir:

i want to make you kneel, to beg, to whimper, to moan, to drip, to gush, to cry out.....,

i want you to crawl to me, to swallow me, to need me, to long for me,

I want your hands tied behind, your hair in my hands, my cock deep inside, controlling you, pleasuring me,

I want to own you.

Miss:

I wish there weren't so many people around....

Sir:

why? tell me...

Miss:

there's too many people here for me to be able to focus on you

Sir:

i know, so what am i supposed to do with this raging hard on?

Miss:

I don't know... I'm sorry, Sir!

Sir:

You can make up for it tomorrow.... when you can pay more attention to your master's needs.

Miss:

of course!

Sir:

i really wish you were here right now, bare assed, wet, ready for me...... RRRRRRRrrrrrrgh, i need you.......your cunt, your body........ you want me to want you, you tease me, and tempt me, and I smile and get hard and need you.... but you work now, keep your full beautiful breasts hidden, protected, safe from my hungry teeth.

Miss:

of course I do... but because it pleases you to do so

Sir:

walk around the office and pretend not to be wet and swollen and ready.

try and have a conversation where you don't smile at the thought of my cock passing over your tongue and deep in to your throat.

try and bend over, to pick up an innocent pencil, and not feel my hands on your ass, spreading it for my assault.

I dare you to pee, to wipe, to touch, without lingering, without feeling my tongue where your tissue cleans, without pressing against the swollen nub.

Miss:

oh, now you're torturing me!

Sir:

good, then turn-about is fair play. i have two assignments for you.

Miss:

yes, Sir

Sir:

1 - Before the work day is through, you are to penetrate yourself with something other than your fingers, but you may not play, just feel the intrusion, feel me....

Miss:

ok

Sir:

and 2, you are to go home, and spend at least 15 minutes naked, legs spread, feeling the heat of the fire, or the sizzle of the shower on your bare skin, you are to spread yourself wide, feeling your lips swell, but you may not touch, you may not cum, you may not play, just be spread open, warm, safe, wet, and think of me.

Miss:

yes, Sir

Sir:

tomorrow, we will both find release.

Miss:

yes... I hope so!

Sir:

describe your outfit quickly and then I must go.

Miss:

jeans, boots, high socks from my HNT, maroon v-neck sweater, teal lace bra

Sir:

When you get home, I want a picture, of you, on the couch, wearing ONLY your socks and your teal bra, legs crossed. Do this for me.

Miss:

yes, of course Sir

Sir:

good girl.

now go, work, be wet, smile, think, fantasize......

follow my instructions and report before bed.

work hard, earn your pay, rule the office with the knowledge that you are mine, and you are special.

Miss:

thank you Sir!

Sir:

a light pat on the butt to send you on your way.....

Miss:

[giggle]

Don't you just hate statistics........

From CNN.COM

How to be the "Other" woman.... or man....

A lot of in this corner of the blogosphere are having, have had, or want to have, relationships that take us away from our spouses. This article, of course, caught my eye on a late Tuesday afternoon.

First, it is sad that so many of us are unhappy enough at home to seek out others.
Second, it's depressing to read the cold hard facts of where these relationships go.

From the last paragraph....
"Most guys don't leave their wives for the women they're seeing on the side. Yes, I know -- your grand passion is "different." Snort. But what if he actually does splinter the family into bits and make a (semi) honest woman out of you? According to the Web site, "Beyond Affairs," only 3 percent (3%) of men marry their affair partner and out of those, only 3 percent of those marriages last. And why would they? You're committing to a relationship that was built on lies and deceit."

So, if 3% marry their mistress, and only 3% of those marriages survive, that gives you a 9 out of 10,000 chance of success.

Don't you just hate statistics........

a quiet night

7:35 PM on a Monday

I have been at work for 12 1/2 hours. I have actually been working for 10 of those hours. This is, to put it in perspective, 10 hours more than I worked all last week. Don't get me wrong, I was in the office last week, but I didn't get a damn thing done.

Last week was all about the distractions, the good times, friends, porn, HNT, Skype, chat, old friends, new friends, some of them nice enough to send pictures, some of them daring enough to talk dirty. It was a great week, but I got nothing done.

So today I got more done than all of last week. It feels good to start to get caught up. It will take several days like this to get back on schedule, but it wasn't a porn kind of day. I had a nice conversation with a friend who is going through some relationship trauma. I reviewed some pictures sent to me last week by a dear friend, and realized, again, that she is to incredibly hot for words. I got an e-mail from a friend who is on the injured reserve list right now, and sent a note to a few friends this morning about getting in the shower.

Some days are just not porn days. They're about staying calm, getting work done, they are about quiet time, productive time, getting your head clear so that you can keep your job. Today was like that. I kept my music low, worked late to avoid traffic, checked things off, moved things along, and "got the water to the end of the row", as my dad would say.

I could use a few days like this, but don't worry, the naughty little thoughts I normally have will creep back in soon enough. They have to, I have friends like you.....

Sunday Funny

I saw this picture as the banner of http://imgur.com/6B1Ln and thought it was too funny not to share.

You may have to click on it to get it big enough to read